There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!" "Really?," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of patients to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that everything was just fine until someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
A jet-set Lebanese parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone,dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions,the Lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW,which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the Lebanese finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you Lebanese are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the Lebanese. The policeman replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed the Lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"
My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.
Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make shure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores. Don`t discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say to you?"
"You`re going to die."
The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper. Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!" The master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I have already told you. If you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so". John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after, the Master hears a knock on the door. "Yes?" John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter: "Sir, the Thames".
If you could imagine this, two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and what landed outside the circle God kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"
A budding artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display in his art gallery. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman did inquire about your work and wondered if the paintings would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings!" "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So what's the bad news?"..."The guy was your doctor."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we are stuck here for some time." "The really good news is that this not United Airlines!"
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu..
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD... DAMN!!!!!" Silence. gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" "That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should see the back of mine!"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed.
You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would you use? The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would you use?
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly" replied the his Doctor
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.he monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then said, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now.Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke he , tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
God Wants A Vacation
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!"
Fresh out of college, a blonde began her new job as an elementary school counselor. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself at the end of a field, while the rest of the kids played soccer. She asked if he was all right and the boy said he was fine. a little while later she approached him again. „Would you like me to be your friend?“ she asked. The boy hesitated then said, „OK.“ Feeling that she was making progress, she then asked, „Why are you standing all alone?“ „Because,“ the boy said, „I‘m the goalie.“
After the honeymoon
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, so -- how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? "WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, iron,Cook...
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Not Miss A Thing
A honeymoon couple book into the hotel. The lady has a shower, puts on French perfume, a see through negligee and lays on the bed all seductive. The man, in his cotton pajamas (plus white tie cord) stands at the window looking out at the sky. "Come to bed dear" she coos seductively. "Not tonight dear" he replies, "my mum said that this would be the best night of my life and I don't want to miss anything".
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
God Wants A Vacation
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!“
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Burglar & Jesus
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
The Joys of Yiddish
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
Pope and fishing Priests
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."
All things are relative
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.God replied,"A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, " Certainly, just a second."
Q: What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in common?
A: Both were intended for children, but it's the father who plays with them.
Pepsi and Coke
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things' ??" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
Where is God ?
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
Interview mit dem Reutlinger General-Anzeiger am (6.9.2010)
"... ich leide überhaupt nicht, aber die anderen leiden (lacht). Man hat mit mir umso mehr Schwierigkeiten, je weniger man Versprechen einhält. Da schreie ich dann immer furchtbar rum. Wenn’s gut geht, bin ich emotional zwölf Jahre alt, und wenn’s nicht gut geht, müssen sie mich behandeln wie ein vierjähriges Kind. Und intellektuell bin ich 151 Jahre alt."